...the best of me...

i was reading my older posts last night. so funny how inspirational i can be to myself and yet never really listen to a word i have to say. i use to be so nervous, so scared, so unsure. i was bound and determined to change that but i was too scared to. luckily it ended up changing = ) because i love to tell him that i love him.

I can be so excited about something, tell myself THIS time will be different. i WILL change. do i, though? hardly ever. i think i am stronger than i really am. i wish like hell i were really that strong and stubborn. i sure do try to act it. all my life i have thought i am stronger than this, i am better than this. when in reality i am no better than it. i am right there with it, helping it, embracing it as i go through life. i hate it. i HATE it. hate. now that i finally recognize it, though maybe somehow i can overcome it. i always thought i was willfully so strong and that i can do everything on my own. i am proud. not the good kind, either.
i am very prideful.

i don't like to ask for help, but i did. i feel so weak and embarrassed whenever i have to ask for help. i feel so vulnerable, and no one likes to feel that way. maybe, hopefully, with this newly found help i can overcome this. i do not want to be like that. i don't want to be like them. i love chad way too much to treat him like that, he is in no way deserving of any of that. he is the most loving and amazing man i have ever met. no body is perfect but he sure is close. <3

i still have internal issues though
maybe i always will?
my goodness i hope not.
is it just a human thing that every single day is a battle?
i honestly believe that.
i don't want to deal with this daily.
i am so messed up.
but is everyone, really?
i think so.
even if they don't admit that they have problems, they do.
my two biggest problems: pride and jealousy.
maybe that's why i don't like to talk about things also
- not only because i don't know how, but also because i am too proud?
how do you fix that, though?
how do you become less prideful?
just suck it up and do it?
i don't know...
i think i am going to have to figure it out the hard way, though.
and fast.
i really don't want to treat chad like i did last weekend.
oh my heart feels so bad about that.
i almost cry thinking about it.
he doesn't deserve that.
ever.
i love him.
i love him.
i LOVE him.
= )
which is why i need to get over my pride and jealousy.
i honestly don't see the jealousy happening anytime soon, though.
i don't even know if jealousy is the right way to describe it.
i don't know.
i don't want to think about it right now..
i just want to be happy.
i love happiness.