It has been many moons since I have written a post and I honestly cannot say why. My life has changed in so many ways since 2010... I considered deleting my old posts and starting all over, but that was a part of my life.. that was what defined me at the moment. Never forget your past.

The way in which my life has changed the most: I have learned to truly love every one and every thing. I have found peace with myself and with my relationship with Chad. I have grown so much not only on my own, but in our relationship with each other.

Communication is the key. In ANY relationship. It took us learning it the hard way, but we sure did learn. And we are both better humans for having done so.

I have fallen in love with our mother. I have a new respect and admiration for her. My mind is a part of this universe and I feel as if it, too, is ever expanding. I feel so connected, yet I feel so distraught.

Where is this world headed? Where is this country headed? Where is my state headed? I don't understand how some things can go badly so fast. I don't understand why so many don't see that we must have nature, we must have the bees, we must have clean air, we must have clean water in order to survive. I cannot for the life of me comprehend why this is so hard to understand. It seems so dark at times. I need to find the light.

- - - - - Just Breathe - - - - -

my stomach is in knots.

i am so disappointed in myself.

yet at the same time i have never been happier in my entire life.

he really loves me.

and i feel like i questioned that.

i'm horrible.

i know he's better than that. i know it. i knew it. and now i know it even more so.

why do i feel like this then?

i feel like...

i questioned his character.

i doubted his integrity.

i didn't believe in love. not that i can't love someone. but that someone can't love me.

but they can.

he does. = )

the past few years i never thought anyone

could love another human being the way i can.

i know what it means to love.

i'm not saying i'm perfect by any means.

but i know.

i don't know how to explain it.

i believed it was impossible for someone to truly love me.

honestly believed that.

i believed chad when he said he loved me.

i believed chad when he said he cares more about me than himself.

but not wholeheartedly, i guess.

i have always said when someone says "i'll do anything for you"

that it's just a figure of speech.

i never believed it could be true. especially coming from a guy.

but it is.

it really is true.

to find out that he loves me THAT much is overwhelming.

that's a big part of my tears.

happy tears. i like happy tears.

i love this feeling.

but at the same time, i found out that he loves me that much

because i questioned his love for me. (i feel)

i didn't directly think anything about his love for me at first.

but looking into it, it's what it seems like.

and i feel horrible.

i don't know if i'll be able to forgive myself.

maybe he didn't see it like that.

maybe it didn't hurt him.

but it hurts me that i did that.

i have always trusted him as much as i could trust a person.

but now...

i've found a new level of trust.

it's amazing.

he's amazing.

what did i do to deserve to be loved like this?

i don't deserve to be loved like this is the thing.

i'm nothing special.

but i'm so glad he thinks i am.

...the best of me...

i was reading my older posts last night. so funny how inspirational i can be to myself and yet never really listen to a word i have to say. i use to be so nervous, so scared, so unsure. i was bound and determined to change that but i was too scared to. luckily it ended up changing = ) because i love to tell him that i love him.

I can be so excited about something, tell myself THIS time will be different. i WILL change. do i, though? hardly ever. i think i am stronger than i really am. i wish like hell i were really that strong and stubborn. i sure do try to act it. all my life i have thought i am stronger than this, i am better than this. when in reality i am no better than it. i am right there with it, helping it, embracing it as i go through life. i hate it. i HATE it. hate. now that i finally recognize it, though maybe somehow i can overcome it. i always thought i was willfully so strong and that i can do everything on my own. i am proud. not the good kind, either.
i am very prideful.

i don't like to ask for help, but i did. i feel so weak and embarrassed whenever i have to ask for help. i feel so vulnerable, and no one likes to feel that way. maybe, hopefully, with this newly found help i can overcome this. i do not want to be like that. i don't want to be like them. i love chad way too much to treat him like that, he is in no way deserving of any of that. he is the most loving and amazing man i have ever met. no body is perfect but he sure is close. <3

i still have internal issues though
maybe i always will?
my goodness i hope not.
is it just a human thing that every single day is a battle?
i honestly believe that.
i don't want to deal with this daily.
i am so messed up.
but is everyone, really?
i think so.
even if they don't admit that they have problems, they do.
my two biggest problems: pride and jealousy.
maybe that's why i don't like to talk about things also
- not only because i don't know how, but also because i am too proud?
how do you fix that, though?
how do you become less prideful?
just suck it up and do it?
i don't know...
i think i am going to have to figure it out the hard way, though.
and fast.
i really don't want to treat chad like i did last weekend.
oh my heart feels so bad about that.
i almost cry thinking about it.
he doesn't deserve that.
ever.
i love him.
i love him.
i LOVE him.
= )
which is why i need to get over my pride and jealousy.
i honestly don't see the jealousy happening anytime soon, though.
i don't even know if jealousy is the right way to describe it.
i don't know.
i don't want to think about it right now..
i just want to be happy.
i love happiness.

the tiger's waiting to be tamed

So I have come to realize, mainly over the last year or so, that my main focus in life is to love. I use to know this. Then my life went awry for like 3-4 years. I have finally come back to where I once was, believing in love. And everything that goes along with it.
Therefore I want to do everything I can and learn everything I can in order to show my love.good thing I love self help/inspirational books!!
I bought the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman last Friday and started readint it on... Tuesday? I've got 2 more chapters to go. This is the first book I've read on how to love, with no emotional trouble that preceeded needing to learn to love again. Just simoly to show your love. And figure out what it is to me that makes me feel loved.
The 5 languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch.
From the beginning I KNEW mine wasn't gifts. I could care less about them. When reading it though, quality time really stuck out to me, but I wasn't certain it was it. I absolutely love quality time and being asked questions! I love talking and listening. But it just didn't really hit me. Then I got to words of affirmation. Everyone likes to hear good job, but I don't need to hear that to feel loved. Everyone likes to hear oh you're so beautiful, and I think I do need that to feel loved. But I didn't feel like words was the biggest part of what it means to feel loved. Well then I got to acts of service, this is one way I like to show my love. So I think kinda deep down I rely on this a bit as a way of feeling loved. But it still didn't hit me. Nothing hit me till I got to PHYSICAL TOUCH! What?! I've never thought I was one of those who needed physical touch to feel loved. But its SO obvious I am!!! I love hugs kisses, any sort of touching I take it as love. I'm glad I figured this out!!
Now my quest to figure out what makes Chad feel loved. I have a hunch its between acts of service and words of affirmation..but we shall see!

To Write Love On Her Arms

It's crazy how wonderful life can be sometimes. And to even think that the best has yet to come seems incomprehensible. the best is yet to come.

I do realize that life will not always be happiness and love. But I also realize that you can make it your goal each day to live that way. I really don't have anything profound to say or to think about really. For once life is simple. For once I am completely head over heels in love. I am in love with someone who actually deserves to be loved. I am in love with someone who makes me feel loved. I am in love with the most amazing man I have ever met in my life. He understands me.He accepts me.He is just so amazing and wonderful and I don't have a single negative thing to say about him.

Love is the only thing this world can't take.
This love is ours.

what a wonderful day today has been (for the most part) and it will continue to be wonderful this evening! =-)
seeing ingram today, and rachel brown, and being at wright. oh how i miss high school. sometimes i just want to sit and cry because i miss it and my friends and the memories so much. high school retreats, belize, dc, all the fun times we all had. sometimes i think "man i would give anything to go back then" but no, i don't really want to go back then. maybe relive it in some in depth dream and feel like i was there again, but no - i need to be where i am. i need to go where i'm going. i'm happy doing it, too. i just wish i would have realized then how much i was going to miss it and then i would have changed some things probably...and i wouldn't be where i am today. so never mind. haha. i'm completely happy with the way things are. for the most part that is. there are still some major questions that need be answered. it's just gotta be done. there's no way around it. don't you hate it when someone asks you something and you don't know the answer and neither do they and you just need to figure it out or you will go CRAZY?!
yeah. that's how i'm feelin right now about some things in life. i need some answers. i just gotta ask the questions to get them. how do i know the right questions to ask, though? i need some river time. that just might happen tomorrow! =)
i've been stressing out about this for far too long now. i need to be open and honest. why is it so hard to do that?

i figured something else out the other day. i am still so messed up from that douche bag. i didn't think i was. i thought i had overcome everything he had messed up. i mean, i am completely happy with who i am and who i've become and where i'm going. he made me feel like nobody could ever truly be happy with me. because he, the one person that was supposed to be, obviously wasn't. so i think now i seek to find that kind of security and stability. i will be looking for as long as i can, but i have yet to find it. and i'm hindering myself from being able to be solely wanted. i need reassurance. how much assurance do i need, though? will words just suffice? will i be able to believe those words? i had no idea that i was still this messed up when i got into this. i don't know if would have if i had known. i feel so bad.
i don't wanna make him have to put up with my insecurity.

river, i need some time with you.

I'd Rather Be With You

well this is how i am trying to live my life now. in peace. i do realize that it is impossible to live in complete peace, but why not strive for that? why not have some sort of goal for each day? peace and love. i sound like a complete hippie, but ya know, i think they knew what they were talking about *for the most part* are people that try to live their life in peace people pleasers? do they get walked on, taken advantage of? just because they don't want to cause any strife? yeah i can imagine so. definitely. i'm not going to let that happen, though. i say that - wait till the time comes - i probably won't even notice it's happening. last time it happened i didn't realize it till it was WAY late. live and learn. it's the best you can do as long as you can honestly say you did your best.
and i did.

i've tried to get better with my photography skills. still have a very long way to go, but i think i'm at least getting a tad better. i'm very happy and yet at the same time kind of worried and sad. but it just comes from my own thinking ~ ONCE AGAIN. why can't i just believe what people tell me?? I just need to take a deep breath and realize that not everyone lies. i know i can trust. i have trusted everything else. why is it so easy to trust the bad and believe that the good is impossible? breathe in for luck. breathe in so deep.

Chad was supposed to come up this weekend. Guess money is more important, though...... Haha totally kidding! I completely understand, it just sucks. I'm so excited to show him my side of life up here...well more north then up here, I can't wait to show him my dad's land and for him to meet them. It's going to be awesome. <3>

So I went up to my dad's house anyways and Stacy and Emily and me went and got our toes done ^ see. First time, and it was just too much pamperedness for one day! i loved it. the massage chair was so awesome. yay for pretty toes. i was just about to let them go naked, too!

Wednesday is the next TWLOHA day. Love those!!
I think too much. I need to quit thinking and just let things be what they are. Ugh. Sometimes it just sucks being a girl!! Oh well...... BE HAPPY!! =)
That's all you can do right. Don't put your happiness in someone else's hands. Easier said then done for sure!!
















I'm going to end on a happy note. I LOVE this picture ------------>