what a wonderful day today has been (for the most part) and it will continue to be wonderful this evening! =-)
seeing ingram today, and rachel brown, and being at wright. oh how i miss high school. sometimes i just want to sit and cry because i miss it and my friends and the memories so much. high school retreats, belize, dc, all the fun times we all had. sometimes i think "man i would give anything to go back then" but no, i don't really want to go back then. maybe relive it in some in depth dream and feel like i was there again, but no - i need to be where i am. i need to go where i'm going. i'm happy doing it, too. i just wish i would have realized then how much i was going to miss it and then i would have changed some things probably...and i wouldn't be where i am today. so never mind. haha. i'm completely happy with the way things are. for the most part that is. there are still some major questions that need be answered. it's just gotta be done. there's no way around it. don't you hate it when someone asks you something and you don't know the answer and neither do they and you just need to figure it out or you will go CRAZY?!
yeah. that's how i'm feelin right now about some things in life. i need some answers. i just gotta ask the questions to get them. how do i know the right questions to ask, though? i need some river time. that just might happen tomorrow! =)
i've been stressing out about this for far too long now. i need to be open and honest. why is it so hard to do that?

i figured something else out the other day. i am still so messed up from that douche bag. i didn't think i was. i thought i had overcome everything he had messed up. i mean, i am completely happy with who i am and who i've become and where i'm going. he made me feel like nobody could ever truly be happy with me. because he, the one person that was supposed to be, obviously wasn't. so i think now i seek to find that kind of security and stability. i will be looking for as long as i can, but i have yet to find it. and i'm hindering myself from being able to be solely wanted. i need reassurance. how much assurance do i need, though? will words just suffice? will i be able to believe those words? i had no idea that i was still this messed up when i got into this. i don't know if would have if i had known. i feel so bad.
i don't wanna make him have to put up with my insecurity.

river, i need some time with you.

I'd Rather Be With You

well this is how i am trying to live my life now. in peace. i do realize that it is impossible to live in complete peace, but why not strive for that? why not have some sort of goal for each day? peace and love. i sound like a complete hippie, but ya know, i think they knew what they were talking about *for the most part* are people that try to live their life in peace people pleasers? do they get walked on, taken advantage of? just because they don't want to cause any strife? yeah i can imagine so. definitely. i'm not going to let that happen, though. i say that - wait till the time comes - i probably won't even notice it's happening. last time it happened i didn't realize it till it was WAY late. live and learn. it's the best you can do as long as you can honestly say you did your best.
and i did.

i've tried to get better with my photography skills. still have a very long way to go, but i think i'm at least getting a tad better. i'm very happy and yet at the same time kind of worried and sad. but it just comes from my own thinking ~ ONCE AGAIN. why can't i just believe what people tell me?? I just need to take a deep breath and realize that not everyone lies. i know i can trust. i have trusted everything else. why is it so easy to trust the bad and believe that the good is impossible? breathe in for luck. breathe in so deep.

Chad was supposed to come up this weekend. Guess money is more important, though...... Haha totally kidding! I completely understand, it just sucks. I'm so excited to show him my side of life up here...well more north then up here, I can't wait to show him my dad's land and for him to meet them. It's going to be awesome. <3>

So I went up to my dad's house anyways and Stacy and Emily and me went and got our toes done ^ see. First time, and it was just too much pamperedness for one day! i loved it. the massage chair was so awesome. yay for pretty toes. i was just about to let them go naked, too!

Wednesday is the next TWLOHA day. Love those!!
I think too much. I need to quit thinking and just let things be what they are. Ugh. Sometimes it just sucks being a girl!! Oh well...... BE HAPPY!! =)
That's all you can do right. Don't put your happiness in someone else's hands. Easier said then done for sure!!
















I'm going to end on a happy note. I LOVE this picture ------------>

I Me Mine.

Oh this weather is so amazing. I could have accomplished so much today. But I didn't have what I needed to do it. I was looking forward to today so much so I wouldn't procrastinate until the end to do it all. But I couldn't do it! Boo!! But I guess I will effectively use this weekend at my dad's house to do my school stuff. Ugh. Gross. I hate homework on the weekends. At least I don't feel as if my day went to waste. I did do some school stuff that took a while so yay. Go me.

NHL PLAYOFFS START TOMORROW!!! This is going to be the BEST playoff season ever. Stars didn't make it, but I got some other teams in there... BUT my best friends are totally getting into it, too! I could not be happier about that. And Chad's getting into it, also! Yay! I love sharing something so close to me with people so close to me. Even if I have a crappy day at school tomorrow I know that tomorrow night will make it all worth it. This is going to be stinkin awesome!! <3

Life is looking pretty good right now. Won't be able to see Chad this weekend for the first time in 16 weeks =( Wow that's a lotta weeks! That makes me happy. But I'm sure gonna miss him. Well I mean I already do, but it's just gonna get worse. It's gonna be a weekend FULL of hockey and basketball. I love this time of year!! =)

There's not really too much about love and life that I've been pondering lately. Most of my stress and focus has been aimed at school and finances. I need a job so bad, but I just need to get through the rest of this semester first and then I'm gonna hit working like CRAZY and save save save so I don't go through these stresses next semester. I think next semester I can actually say, I ONLY HAVE A YEAR LEFT. And that will make me so incredibly happy. I really don't have much to say, so I'm not making this as pretty as the others. However, when I was looking at my earlier posts, they made me happy because they were pretty. So yay me, way to make myself happy. Haha. Elvis theme on Idol tonight YAY. Yella teeth should totally sing In The Ghetto. That would make this day complete.

I'm pretty much totally in love with this song right now. It's Out Loud by Dispatch. I've really been diggin them lately. Good stuff I tell ya.

Would you be the wind to blow me home
Would you be a dream
On the wings of a poem
And if we were walking through a crowd
Well you know I'd be proud

If you call my name out loud
Do you suppose that I would come running
Do you suppose I'd come at all
I suppose I would

And if we were walking
Down a dead end street
Would you be the one to let our eyes meet
Or would you just keep on walking
Down to the turn around
'cause you know I'd be proud

And if I was gone from the land we know
Would be the dawn
And let your beauty still show
And if you were walking
And heard the cold night coming
Would you call my name
'cause you know I'd come running