the tiger's waiting to be tamed

So I have come to realize, mainly over the last year or so, that my main focus in life is to love. I use to know this. Then my life went awry for like 3-4 years. I have finally come back to where I once was, believing in love. And everything that goes along with it.
Therefore I want to do everything I can and learn everything I can in order to show my love.good thing I love self help/inspirational books!!
I bought the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman last Friday and started readint it on... Tuesday? I've got 2 more chapters to go. This is the first book I've read on how to love, with no emotional trouble that preceeded needing to learn to love again. Just simoly to show your love. And figure out what it is to me that makes me feel loved.
The 5 languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch.
From the beginning I KNEW mine wasn't gifts. I could care less about them. When reading it though, quality time really stuck out to me, but I wasn't certain it was it. I absolutely love quality time and being asked questions! I love talking and listening. But it just didn't really hit me. Then I got to words of affirmation. Everyone likes to hear good job, but I don't need to hear that to feel loved. Everyone likes to hear oh you're so beautiful, and I think I do need that to feel loved. But I didn't feel like words was the biggest part of what it means to feel loved. Well then I got to acts of service, this is one way I like to show my love. So I think kinda deep down I rely on this a bit as a way of feeling loved. But it still didn't hit me. Nothing hit me till I got to PHYSICAL TOUCH! What?! I've never thought I was one of those who needed physical touch to feel loved. But its SO obvious I am!!! I love hugs kisses, any sort of touching I take it as love. I'm glad I figured this out!!
Now my quest to figure out what makes Chad feel loved. I have a hunch its between acts of service and words of affirmation..but we shall see!

To Write Love On Her Arms

It's crazy how wonderful life can be sometimes. And to even think that the best has yet to come seems incomprehensible. the best is yet to come.

I do realize that life will not always be happiness and love. But I also realize that you can make it your goal each day to live that way. I really don't have anything profound to say or to think about really. For once life is simple. For once I am completely head over heels in love. I am in love with someone who actually deserves to be loved. I am in love with someone who makes me feel loved. I am in love with the most amazing man I have ever met in my life. He understands me.He accepts me.He is just so amazing and wonderful and I don't have a single negative thing to say about him.

Love is the only thing this world can't take.
This love is ours.

what a wonderful day today has been (for the most part) and it will continue to be wonderful this evening! =-)
seeing ingram today, and rachel brown, and being at wright. oh how i miss high school. sometimes i just want to sit and cry because i miss it and my friends and the memories so much. high school retreats, belize, dc, all the fun times we all had. sometimes i think "man i would give anything to go back then" but no, i don't really want to go back then. maybe relive it in some in depth dream and feel like i was there again, but no - i need to be where i am. i need to go where i'm going. i'm happy doing it, too. i just wish i would have realized then how much i was going to miss it and then i would have changed some things probably...and i wouldn't be where i am today. so never mind. haha. i'm completely happy with the way things are. for the most part that is. there are still some major questions that need be answered. it's just gotta be done. there's no way around it. don't you hate it when someone asks you something and you don't know the answer and neither do they and you just need to figure it out or you will go CRAZY?!
yeah. that's how i'm feelin right now about some things in life. i need some answers. i just gotta ask the questions to get them. how do i know the right questions to ask, though? i need some river time. that just might happen tomorrow! =)
i've been stressing out about this for far too long now. i need to be open and honest. why is it so hard to do that?

i figured something else out the other day. i am still so messed up from that douche bag. i didn't think i was. i thought i had overcome everything he had messed up. i mean, i am completely happy with who i am and who i've become and where i'm going. he made me feel like nobody could ever truly be happy with me. because he, the one person that was supposed to be, obviously wasn't. so i think now i seek to find that kind of security and stability. i will be looking for as long as i can, but i have yet to find it. and i'm hindering myself from being able to be solely wanted. i need reassurance. how much assurance do i need, though? will words just suffice? will i be able to believe those words? i had no idea that i was still this messed up when i got into this. i don't know if would have if i had known. i feel so bad.
i don't wanna make him have to put up with my insecurity.

river, i need some time with you.

I'd Rather Be With You

well this is how i am trying to live my life now. in peace. i do realize that it is impossible to live in complete peace, but why not strive for that? why not have some sort of goal for each day? peace and love. i sound like a complete hippie, but ya know, i think they knew what they were talking about *for the most part* are people that try to live their life in peace people pleasers? do they get walked on, taken advantage of? just because they don't want to cause any strife? yeah i can imagine so. definitely. i'm not going to let that happen, though. i say that - wait till the time comes - i probably won't even notice it's happening. last time it happened i didn't realize it till it was WAY late. live and learn. it's the best you can do as long as you can honestly say you did your best.
and i did.

i've tried to get better with my photography skills. still have a very long way to go, but i think i'm at least getting a tad better. i'm very happy and yet at the same time kind of worried and sad. but it just comes from my own thinking ~ ONCE AGAIN. why can't i just believe what people tell me?? I just need to take a deep breath and realize that not everyone lies. i know i can trust. i have trusted everything else. why is it so easy to trust the bad and believe that the good is impossible? breathe in for luck. breathe in so deep.

Chad was supposed to come up this weekend. Guess money is more important, though...... Haha totally kidding! I completely understand, it just sucks. I'm so excited to show him my side of life up here...well more north then up here, I can't wait to show him my dad's land and for him to meet them. It's going to be awesome. <3>

So I went up to my dad's house anyways and Stacy and Emily and me went and got our toes done ^ see. First time, and it was just too much pamperedness for one day! i loved it. the massage chair was so awesome. yay for pretty toes. i was just about to let them go naked, too!

Wednesday is the next TWLOHA day. Love those!!
I think too much. I need to quit thinking and just let things be what they are. Ugh. Sometimes it just sucks being a girl!! Oh well...... BE HAPPY!! =)
That's all you can do right. Don't put your happiness in someone else's hands. Easier said then done for sure!!
















I'm going to end on a happy note. I LOVE this picture ------------>

I Me Mine.

Oh this weather is so amazing. I could have accomplished so much today. But I didn't have what I needed to do it. I was looking forward to today so much so I wouldn't procrastinate until the end to do it all. But I couldn't do it! Boo!! But I guess I will effectively use this weekend at my dad's house to do my school stuff. Ugh. Gross. I hate homework on the weekends. At least I don't feel as if my day went to waste. I did do some school stuff that took a while so yay. Go me.

NHL PLAYOFFS START TOMORROW!!! This is going to be the BEST playoff season ever. Stars didn't make it, but I got some other teams in there... BUT my best friends are totally getting into it, too! I could not be happier about that. And Chad's getting into it, also! Yay! I love sharing something so close to me with people so close to me. Even if I have a crappy day at school tomorrow I know that tomorrow night will make it all worth it. This is going to be stinkin awesome!! <3

Life is looking pretty good right now. Won't be able to see Chad this weekend for the first time in 16 weeks =( Wow that's a lotta weeks! That makes me happy. But I'm sure gonna miss him. Well I mean I already do, but it's just gonna get worse. It's gonna be a weekend FULL of hockey and basketball. I love this time of year!! =)

There's not really too much about love and life that I've been pondering lately. Most of my stress and focus has been aimed at school and finances. I need a job so bad, but I just need to get through the rest of this semester first and then I'm gonna hit working like CRAZY and save save save so I don't go through these stresses next semester. I think next semester I can actually say, I ONLY HAVE A YEAR LEFT. And that will make me so incredibly happy. I really don't have much to say, so I'm not making this as pretty as the others. However, when I was looking at my earlier posts, they made me happy because they were pretty. So yay me, way to make myself happy. Haha. Elvis theme on Idol tonight YAY. Yella teeth should totally sing In The Ghetto. That would make this day complete.

I'm pretty much totally in love with this song right now. It's Out Loud by Dispatch. I've really been diggin them lately. Good stuff I tell ya.

Would you be the wind to blow me home
Would you be a dream
On the wings of a poem
And if we were walking through a crowd
Well you know I'd be proud

If you call my name out loud
Do you suppose that I would come running
Do you suppose I'd come at all
I suppose I would

And if we were walking
Down a dead end street
Would you be the one to let our eyes meet
Or would you just keep on walking
Down to the turn around
'cause you know I'd be proud

And if I was gone from the land we know
Would be the dawn
And let your beauty still show
And if you were walking
And heard the cold night coming
Would you call my name
'cause you know I'd come running

have you ever noticed...

how one thing can change and something else stay forever the same (at least it feels like).
i have been contemplating so much today. driving around in this amazing weather has really got me thinking. good and bad. there is never good without bad. if there were no bad with the good, how would we know "good"? however my good and bad today are unrelated. i'll start off with the good because that's what i like most in life, the good. this WEATHER is amazing! i can be in the worst of moods and just going outside will make it all better. no, i don't base my mood on the weather, that's just crazy. but it can help cheer me up. even the dark rainy weather can cheer me up. not the snow, though. anyway... the good. change. "it hurts but it may be the only way" - maroon 5. of course change is not always good. wow. i just realized that my good and bad of today actually do go together. this weather makes me miss being a little kid in my backyard playing with my sister and our dogs. so i drove by our old house. it looks almost the exact same. no change. but me, 11 years later? wow i have changed SO much. however some things that i thought had changed are starting to creep back and i don't like it one bit. why does it have to be a daily struggle to be... i don't know how to explain it. it's not happy. but in the same sense it is. daily i struggle with this. not in just every day life. in my relationship with chad. i get sad sometimes and i start to tell myself things that aren't true. (at least i hope they're not) -- like THAT. that right there is doubting my relationship. i don't want to doubt it but nothing in life is for certain. what makes me sad about our relationship? really there's not much at all. most of the problem is me and my thinking. i mean i know nobody is perfect but he sure is close, i just wish some things were slightly different. i argue with myself, if i did or said or wore anything that he didn't like i WANT him to tell me because i WANT him to be happy. but when it comes to something i don't like that he says or does or wears i think, "who am i to tell him that?". i don't know. i try to make something so simple so confusing. to truly love someone you must accept their faults. you don't have to love their faults, but you cannot beat and batter them with them. so i remember this and then i'm alright for a day or two then i get reminded of what it is i don't like and i'm right back here. oh well. i'm sure if this relationship goes further that it will come up. on a not so serious subject, but at the same time it kinda is.... what happened to our day long conversations? i mean i understand that while he's at work we can't have them, but what about when he's not at work? was he more interested in me then? do we really not have that much to talk about? i mean, use to, he would just tell me what he was doing throughout the day and i absolutely loved that. not because i was keeping track of him or anything, but just because we would talk. now we hardly talk anymore. it makes me sad. makes me feel like he's just not that interested. which i'm sure isn't what is is... i hope at least (there goes the doubting again).... i dunno. just makes me sad.


make me happy weather!! =)

love.

There are some things in life that are worth waiting for.

Love. Patient, kind and always forgiving. What a wonderful thing.

We were created to love and to also receive love.

There is something inside of me that yearns to love and be loved. It is part of my being…

I don't want to be part of that complicated love where fighting and bitterness is looming over its every move. More, a love that can overcome any obstacle and strands two people together. A love that becomes one of your greatest passions; to understand each other in a way that doesn't even make sense. When you find joy in love and living to love…….

I went to a funeral the other day and I came out of it with one of the greatest understandings of love. The man that passed away shared a love for his wife that words could never describe. Goodness, I couldn't imagine living without my husband and having to see him go through the kind of emotional and physical pain that cancer causes. I think I am so enthralled with their love because it never died; they fought to keep it alive. They wanted to love each other deeply…..they loved to love each other.

Love is accepting your partners faults as your own. To find strength in each others weaknesses. To say, "I know that you're not perfect, but I love you through your imperfections and I receive them as my own." This is the greatest wisdom into a relationship that someone has given me.

I will love my husband for the rest of my life. I want to hold his hand in mine and know that it was made just for my hand, to fit perfectly in mine. I want to marry the man that my heart can not live without. When I cant be with him my heart will ache and when we are back together we will thank God.

May you love without fear and with the heart of God.

May your love be endless and may it overflow into the lives of others.


"They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up"

Lullaby by the Dixie Chicks