i have been contemplating so much today. driving around in this amazing weather has really got me thinking. good and bad. there is never good without bad. if there were no bad with the good, how would we know "good"? however my good and bad today are unrelated. i'll start off with the good because that's what i like most in life, the good. this WEATHER is amazing! i can be in the worst of moods and just going outside will make it all better. no, i don't base my mood on the weather, that's just crazy. but it can help cheer me up. even the dark rainy weather can cheer me up. not the snow, though. anyway... the good. change. "it hurts but it may be the only way" - maroon 5. of course change is not always good. wow. i just realized that my good and bad of today actually do go together. this weather makes me miss being a little kid in my backyard playing with my sister and our dogs. so i drove by our old house. it looks almost the exact same. no change. but me, 11 years later? wow i have changed SO much. however some things that i thought had changed are starting to creep back and i don't like it one bit. why does it have to be a daily struggle to be... i don't know how to explain it. it's not happy. but in the same sense it is. daily i struggle with this. not in just every day life. in my relationship with chad. i get sad sometimes and i start to tell myself things that aren't true. (at least i hope they're not) -- like THAT. that right there is doubting my relationship. i don't want to doubt it but nothing in life is for certain. what makes me sad about our relationship? really there's not much at all. most of the problem is me and my thinking. i mean i know nobody is perfect but he sure is close, i just wish some things were slightly different. i argue with myself, if i did or said or wore anything that he didn't like i WANT him to tell me because i WANT him to be happy. but when it comes to something i don't like that he says or does or wears i think, "who am i to tell him that?". i don't know. i try to make something so simple so confusing. to truly love someone you must accept their faults. you don't have to love their faults, but you cannot beat and batter them with them. so i remember this and then i'm alright for a day or two then i get reminded of what it is i don't like and i'm right back here. oh well. i'm sure if this relationship goes further that it will come up. on a not so serious subject, but at the same time it kinda is.... what happened to our day long conversations? i mean i understand that while he's at work we can't have them, but what about when he's not at work? was he more intereste
d in me then? do we really not have that much to talk about? i mean, use to, he would just tell me what he was doing throughout the day and i absolutely loved that. not because i was keeping track of him or anything, but just because we would talk. now we hardly talk anymore. it makes me sad. makes me feel like he's just not that interested. which i'm sure isn't what is is... i hope at least (there goes the doubting again).... i dunno. just makes me sad.make me happy weather!! =)
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