Do You Know What It Takes?

I am so mixed up.
So confused.
I feel so full of love.
But at the same time I don't feel love.
In all reality this is probably all my fault.
Do I hold love to such a high regard that it is impossible to reach?
I never thought so.
But so far it has never been able to be reached.
Maybe my expectations are too high.
Where do I get my expectations from, though?



I've heard it said that love and romance movies/novels/etc are to us what porn is to guys.
I don't know if that's where I have gotten my expectations from.
I highly doubt it.
Love is simple, not complicated.

Why am I out to make it so complicated, then!?
It all just feels too different.
Not in a good way.
Maybe I'm looking for something to go wrong.
Maybe I'm trying to find a way to make it a big mess.
Why would I do that?
I'm terrified of losing it.
Maybe so scared that in the process I'm actually losing it.
I've heard that said before, that if you try to hard you will lose it.
But I don't feel like I'm trying to hard.
I could totally be wrong, though.
Things are just different.
And I don't like it.
I mean if it's not love then I shouldn't expect it.
Maybe I shouldn't expect it.
But if it's not love now then it wasn't before and I liked things before more than now.
Hmm.
It's like Reckless Kelly puts it:
"I've been looking
For a girl like you
And I wish
You were looking for me too
But you don't want me around.
We all long for
A love so true
And I would die for
One night with you
But you don't want me around."
Maybe I am completely blowing all of this out of proportion.

Quit thinking.
Just let it be.

How many times have I told myself this?

How many more times will I have to argue this with myself?
What does it mean to be loved to me?

TO BE LOVED:

* to be wanted..
(to want to be around me, to talk to me)
* to be cared for..
(to rub my neck if it hurts, to get me a drink if i'm thirsty)
* to be genuinely be listened to..
(like what i have to say is the most important thing)
* to ask me questions..
(simple ones like how my day is, or even what i'm thinking)
* to be willing to talk
(about the hard things to talk about just as well as the easy things)
* to be willing to do absolutely anything to make me happy
(watch a chick flick i wanna see real bad instead of a football game)
* to be honest.

Those are really general and I would never EVER take advantage of someone's love.
Like the whole chick flick/football thing.
I don't think I'd ever ask to watch a movie over a game he's interested in, but knowing that he'd be willing to do something like that for me means a whole lot.
Maybe that all is too much to ask for, maybe not.
I have yet to find it really.
Hopefully someday I will find that kind of love.
Maybe I have found it, but maybe it's undiscovered at the same time.
Who knows.
Not me.
All I know is how I feel.
And it SUCKS to not know.
Really really sucks.
Because then I don't know what to expect.
But I think I'll just stick with not expecting love until it is found.
Tears at my heart every day.
Just be patient.
I am the most impatient person ever.
We're tested daily with the things we need to work on the most.
BRING IT.