oh i am in a much much better mood today thank the LORD! (<~~~ SEE!!) went to sleep early last night and i think that helped a lot.
today has been pretty perfect, other than it being so cold out. but it is a beautiful day! i can't wait till the days last longer and the temp rises. i hate it getting so dark so fast. i've been listening to the crap out of ryan adams. he is simply amazing. wish i would've started liking him when i heard about him so long ago! oh how i can't wait till this weekend. the more weekends that come means the closer school is to being over which means the closer i am to graduating which means the closer i am to a REAL life!! = )
i've always been so anxious to grow up. a year ago i could not see me EVER getting tired of the bar scene, probably cuz i was in love with the troubadours..which they still are one of my favorite bands, but now. i don't really feel like going and watching anyone play. i mean every now and then yeah sure, but i don't like the atmosphere of a bar really. i was too naive to recognize it before, well that and i just didn't care.
now i do care.
i don't want to be there.
so i'm not going to be. and i think that has to do with maturity and finding the things in life that make you happy that actually mean something. that has, as chad would say, "substance". i have felt this way before - before i "fell of the wagon" so to say. and i am so happy i'm back here again. i know what it's like to leave this feeling now and i don't ever wanna leave it again. all of that is no longer appealing to me... and to some extent that makes me sad because i will probably have to give up some pretty good friends...unless they come around, too.
why are people too scared to grow up?
how can living the life they do really be fun? i mean i've been there, it was fun, but i knew i didn't want to end up with the type of guys i was around. and why would a guy want to end up with that kind of girl? because she's fun? i don't know..
all that to say that i am very happy and very thankful for the way my life has been headed. i may have my sad or down days (who doesn't) but even then i will try to make the best out of it. life's too short so love the one you got cuz you might get run over or you might get shot.

i've been very sad today and i don't know why.
i don't like it one bit.
i have so many different feelings and emotions right now.
why is it that as humans we find it so hard to accept happiness?
we try to find something wrong in every situation and make a big deal out of it when in reality it is nothing to be upset about at all!
it's ridiculous!
it's frustrating.
another thing humans tend to do is let their happiness fall into the hands of someone else, which is also ridiculous.
why do we do this?
why do we give someone that much power over our lives?
is it because we're too scared to have that much responsibility over our own hearts and our own happiness that we trust someone else with it?
why is it so hard to accept responsibility for our own actions and our own happiness.
it's a choice.
guess i just feel like being in an unhappy mood today.
too bad.

Hopless & Broken Never Wins In The End.

You may have won this battle baby.

Don’t mean I won’t win the war.

I feel like I’ve won.

What have I won?

I’ve won the knowledge.

To know that nobody will ever truly love me.

I will never be good enough for anyone.

I’ve won the knowledge to realize that I don’t even know what I’m fighting for.

So why fight for it if it’s not even there?

There’s nothing there to fight for.

Nothing.

There never was, was there?

Or was there?

Where did it go wrong?

I think it was hopeless from the beginning.

Looking back on it.

But I learned so much.

Grew some.

Realized a lot.

You can’t ever trust someone fully.

No matter how much someone says they love you, they don’t.

When someone says they’ll do anything for you, they won’t.

It’s a figure of speech.

Why do people lie so often?

Why is honesty such a hard thing to come by?

Because you’re scared of hurting someone?

Let me tell you.

I’ve definitely learned lies hurt worse than the truth.

Don’t trust anyone with your heart.

It will only get broken.

Over and over and over again.

All guys are the same.

There’s no such thing as a good Christian guy,

They may act like it, but deep down, they’re all the same.

They will only hurt you.

They will only disappoint you.

They will only make you feel like you’re not the world to them.

I’m done fighting.

There’s nothing to fight for.

I wish I knew why I was trying so hard.

Only to continuously get hurt?

Sometimes I feel like a broken stone rolling down your hill.

There is no hope.

Not for true love with another human being.

I had that hope once.

It got shot full of holes many times.

No more hope.

If someone tells you that you mean everything to them.

They will do anything for you.

They love you more than life itself.

DON’T BELIEVE IT!

Sometimes it’s easier to give up your life for someone you say you love.

Rather than to give up other things.

Most of the time those other things mean more to them than you do.

I’ve learned that lesson all too well.

I will never be the princess in some man’s fairytale.

I will never be cherished and adored the way a woman is supposed to be.

My life will only be filled with hurt.

Disappointment.

Sadness.

Pain.

Anger.

Loneliness.

Hostility.

Unable to trust anyone.

Heartbroken.

What did I ever deserve to be treated like this?

How I wish I knew.

What did I do?

Guys just tell you what you want to hear.

They don’t mean it.

They never have.

They never will.

They are selfish.

Demanding.

Untrustworthy.

Completely one-sided.

Once I thought I knew it all.

Turns out I don’t know a damn thing.

I thought I knew everything about love.

Maybe I did.

Maybe I should’ve found someone that knew how to treat someone with love.

Maybe I should’ve treated him with love a little more.

I thought give continuous chances was showing how much I loved.

I thought trying to help him become a better person was showing my love.

Guess I thought wrong.

I found this today. It is so sad that at some point in my life I actually felt this way about life, love, and relationships. I was so messed up, so lost and didn't even know it. I am so thankful I now know that truth I had been unknowingly searching for.

I am good enough.

I can be loved.

I can trust.

I can love.

I am capable of loving again.

I can be happy.

I am extremely happy.

Life is completely different than it was then, thank the Lord.

= )

when did your heart go missing?

why is it that girls look to magazines to see what they need to look like, what they need to wear, how they need to act? what possible pleasure can be brought from that? i was looking at one today, i can't even remember which one it was called, but it made me feel horrible about myself. it didn't make me want to buy anything they were selling, it just made me want to cry. i am so easy to get jealous of other people. not what they have, but how they look. i mean i never want to be one of those people that spends like 3 hours getting ready or anything, and i don't want to wear make-up...so then why do i get jealous? they don't naturally look the way they do.. they spend time looking that way. hardly anyone is that naturally beautiful. i just wish i were. you're your own worst enemy that is for dang sure. there are maybe 5-10 times a year when i'm like oh hey i'm pretty today. most days i look in the mirror and just want to cry. why am i so hard on myself? because i compare myself to all these fictitious people! and i HATE it! i will rise about it, though. i will not let hollywood get a hold of me. but you know what, they say that beauty is on the inside. for the most part i think i am beautiful on the inside, i just wish my outside matched!! ok that's enough ranting about that. tomorrow i'll probably wake up and think i am being totally over dramatic right now, which i probably am.
the end.

But Above All, Love.

i have been thinking a lot lately about love. what is it that makes us feel loved? why does it vary so much from person to person? and since it does vary so much from person to person, how do we show others love if we don't know what being loved to them feels like? to one person saying kind words may make them feel loved when to someone else hugs may make them feel loved. how will we know how to show others that we love them? it's simple. just do. just do everything you can to show them, to tell them, so somehow let them know that you love them. it just confuses me so much why people don't love each other more often. how horrible would it be to go through life without knowing the kind of happiness that love can bring. i am so thankful i don't know that feeling. i am so blessed that i have so many people in my life that love me. if you somehow get led astray and forget how to love, remember 1 corinthians 13:4-8...

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

don't let the little things bother you.
look past them and see the beauty in the situation.
be happy. live. laugh. but above all, love.