- - - - - Just Breathe - - - - -

my stomach is in knots.

i am so disappointed in myself.

yet at the same time i have never been happier in my entire life.

he really loves me.

and i feel like i questioned that.

i'm horrible.

i know he's better than that. i know it. i knew it. and now i know it even more so.

why do i feel like this then?

i feel like...

i questioned his character.

i doubted his integrity.

i didn't believe in love. not that i can't love someone. but that someone can't love me.

but they can.

he does. = )

the past few years i never thought anyone

could love another human being the way i can.

i know what it means to love.

i'm not saying i'm perfect by any means.

but i know.

i don't know how to explain it.

i believed it was impossible for someone to truly love me.

honestly believed that.

i believed chad when he said he loved me.

i believed chad when he said he cares more about me than himself.

but not wholeheartedly, i guess.

i have always said when someone says "i'll do anything for you"

that it's just a figure of speech.

i never believed it could be true. especially coming from a guy.

but it is.

it really is true.

to find out that he loves me THAT much is overwhelming.

that's a big part of my tears.

happy tears. i like happy tears.

i love this feeling.

but at the same time, i found out that he loves me that much

because i questioned his love for me. (i feel)

i didn't directly think anything about his love for me at first.

but looking into it, it's what it seems like.

and i feel horrible.

i don't know if i'll be able to forgive myself.

maybe he didn't see it like that.

maybe it didn't hurt him.

but it hurts me that i did that.

i have always trusted him as much as i could trust a person.

but now...

i've found a new level of trust.

it's amazing.

he's amazing.

what did i do to deserve to be loved like this?

i don't deserve to be loved like this is the thing.

i'm nothing special.

but i'm so glad he thinks i am.

...the best of me...

i was reading my older posts last night. so funny how inspirational i can be to myself and yet never really listen to a word i have to say. i use to be so nervous, so scared, so unsure. i was bound and determined to change that but i was too scared to. luckily it ended up changing = ) because i love to tell him that i love him.

I can be so excited about something, tell myself THIS time will be different. i WILL change. do i, though? hardly ever. i think i am stronger than i really am. i wish like hell i were really that strong and stubborn. i sure do try to act it. all my life i have thought i am stronger than this, i am better than this. when in reality i am no better than it. i am right there with it, helping it, embracing it as i go through life. i hate it. i HATE it. hate. now that i finally recognize it, though maybe somehow i can overcome it. i always thought i was willfully so strong and that i can do everything on my own. i am proud. not the good kind, either.
i am very prideful.

i don't like to ask for help, but i did. i feel so weak and embarrassed whenever i have to ask for help. i feel so vulnerable, and no one likes to feel that way. maybe, hopefully, with this newly found help i can overcome this. i do not want to be like that. i don't want to be like them. i love chad way too much to treat him like that, he is in no way deserving of any of that. he is the most loving and amazing man i have ever met. no body is perfect but he sure is close. <3

i still have internal issues though
maybe i always will?
my goodness i hope not.
is it just a human thing that every single day is a battle?
i honestly believe that.
i don't want to deal with this daily.
i am so messed up.
but is everyone, really?
i think so.
even if they don't admit that they have problems, they do.
my two biggest problems: pride and jealousy.
maybe that's why i don't like to talk about things also
- not only because i don't know how, but also because i am too proud?
how do you fix that, though?
how do you become less prideful?
just suck it up and do it?
i don't know...
i think i am going to have to figure it out the hard way, though.
and fast.
i really don't want to treat chad like i did last weekend.
oh my heart feels so bad about that.
i almost cry thinking about it.
he doesn't deserve that.
ever.
i love him.
i love him.
i LOVE him.
= )
which is why i need to get over my pride and jealousy.
i honestly don't see the jealousy happening anytime soon, though.
i don't even know if jealousy is the right way to describe it.
i don't know.
i don't want to think about it right now..
i just want to be happy.
i love happiness.

the tiger's waiting to be tamed

So I have come to realize, mainly over the last year or so, that my main focus in life is to love. I use to know this. Then my life went awry for like 3-4 years. I have finally come back to where I once was, believing in love. And everything that goes along with it.
Therefore I want to do everything I can and learn everything I can in order to show my love.good thing I love self help/inspirational books!!
I bought the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman last Friday and started readint it on... Tuesday? I've got 2 more chapters to go. This is the first book I've read on how to love, with no emotional trouble that preceeded needing to learn to love again. Just simoly to show your love. And figure out what it is to me that makes me feel loved.
The 5 languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch.
From the beginning I KNEW mine wasn't gifts. I could care less about them. When reading it though, quality time really stuck out to me, but I wasn't certain it was it. I absolutely love quality time and being asked questions! I love talking and listening. But it just didn't really hit me. Then I got to words of affirmation. Everyone likes to hear good job, but I don't need to hear that to feel loved. Everyone likes to hear oh you're so beautiful, and I think I do need that to feel loved. But I didn't feel like words was the biggest part of what it means to feel loved. Well then I got to acts of service, this is one way I like to show my love. So I think kinda deep down I rely on this a bit as a way of feeling loved. But it still didn't hit me. Nothing hit me till I got to PHYSICAL TOUCH! What?! I've never thought I was one of those who needed physical touch to feel loved. But its SO obvious I am!!! I love hugs kisses, any sort of touching I take it as love. I'm glad I figured this out!!
Now my quest to figure out what makes Chad feel loved. I have a hunch its between acts of service and words of affirmation..but we shall see!

To Write Love On Her Arms

It's crazy how wonderful life can be sometimes. And to even think that the best has yet to come seems incomprehensible. the best is yet to come.

I do realize that life will not always be happiness and love. But I also realize that you can make it your goal each day to live that way. I really don't have anything profound to say or to think about really. For once life is simple. For once I am completely head over heels in love. I am in love with someone who actually deserves to be loved. I am in love with someone who makes me feel loved. I am in love with the most amazing man I have ever met in my life. He understands me.He accepts me.He is just so amazing and wonderful and I don't have a single negative thing to say about him.

Love is the only thing this world can't take.
This love is ours.

what a wonderful day today has been (for the most part) and it will continue to be wonderful this evening! =-)
seeing ingram today, and rachel brown, and being at wright. oh how i miss high school. sometimes i just want to sit and cry because i miss it and my friends and the memories so much. high school retreats, belize, dc, all the fun times we all had. sometimes i think "man i would give anything to go back then" but no, i don't really want to go back then. maybe relive it in some in depth dream and feel like i was there again, but no - i need to be where i am. i need to go where i'm going. i'm happy doing it, too. i just wish i would have realized then how much i was going to miss it and then i would have changed some things probably...and i wouldn't be where i am today. so never mind. haha. i'm completely happy with the way things are. for the most part that is. there are still some major questions that need be answered. it's just gotta be done. there's no way around it. don't you hate it when someone asks you something and you don't know the answer and neither do they and you just need to figure it out or you will go CRAZY?!
yeah. that's how i'm feelin right now about some things in life. i need some answers. i just gotta ask the questions to get them. how do i know the right questions to ask, though? i need some river time. that just might happen tomorrow! =)
i've been stressing out about this for far too long now. i need to be open and honest. why is it so hard to do that?

i figured something else out the other day. i am still so messed up from that douche bag. i didn't think i was. i thought i had overcome everything he had messed up. i mean, i am completely happy with who i am and who i've become and where i'm going. he made me feel like nobody could ever truly be happy with me. because he, the one person that was supposed to be, obviously wasn't. so i think now i seek to find that kind of security and stability. i will be looking for as long as i can, but i have yet to find it. and i'm hindering myself from being able to be solely wanted. i need reassurance. how much assurance do i need, though? will words just suffice? will i be able to believe those words? i had no idea that i was still this messed up when i got into this. i don't know if would have if i had known. i feel so bad.
i don't wanna make him have to put up with my insecurity.

river, i need some time with you.

I'd Rather Be With You

well this is how i am trying to live my life now. in peace. i do realize that it is impossible to live in complete peace, but why not strive for that? why not have some sort of goal for each day? peace and love. i sound like a complete hippie, but ya know, i think they knew what they were talking about *for the most part* are people that try to live their life in peace people pleasers? do they get walked on, taken advantage of? just because they don't want to cause any strife? yeah i can imagine so. definitely. i'm not going to let that happen, though. i say that - wait till the time comes - i probably won't even notice it's happening. last time it happened i didn't realize it till it was WAY late. live and learn. it's the best you can do as long as you can honestly say you did your best.
and i did.

i've tried to get better with my photography skills. still have a very long way to go, but i think i'm at least getting a tad better. i'm very happy and yet at the same time kind of worried and sad. but it just comes from my own thinking ~ ONCE AGAIN. why can't i just believe what people tell me?? I just need to take a deep breath and realize that not everyone lies. i know i can trust. i have trusted everything else. why is it so easy to trust the bad and believe that the good is impossible? breathe in for luck. breathe in so deep.

Chad was supposed to come up this weekend. Guess money is more important, though...... Haha totally kidding! I completely understand, it just sucks. I'm so excited to show him my side of life up here...well more north then up here, I can't wait to show him my dad's land and for him to meet them. It's going to be awesome. <3>

So I went up to my dad's house anyways and Stacy and Emily and me went and got our toes done ^ see. First time, and it was just too much pamperedness for one day! i loved it. the massage chair was so awesome. yay for pretty toes. i was just about to let them go naked, too!

Wednesday is the next TWLOHA day. Love those!!
I think too much. I need to quit thinking and just let things be what they are. Ugh. Sometimes it just sucks being a girl!! Oh well...... BE HAPPY!! =)
That's all you can do right. Don't put your happiness in someone else's hands. Easier said then done for sure!!
















I'm going to end on a happy note. I LOVE this picture ------------>

I Me Mine.

Oh this weather is so amazing. I could have accomplished so much today. But I didn't have what I needed to do it. I was looking forward to today so much so I wouldn't procrastinate until the end to do it all. But I couldn't do it! Boo!! But I guess I will effectively use this weekend at my dad's house to do my school stuff. Ugh. Gross. I hate homework on the weekends. At least I don't feel as if my day went to waste. I did do some school stuff that took a while so yay. Go me.

NHL PLAYOFFS START TOMORROW!!! This is going to be the BEST playoff season ever. Stars didn't make it, but I got some other teams in there... BUT my best friends are totally getting into it, too! I could not be happier about that. And Chad's getting into it, also! Yay! I love sharing something so close to me with people so close to me. Even if I have a crappy day at school tomorrow I know that tomorrow night will make it all worth it. This is going to be stinkin awesome!! <3

Life is looking pretty good right now. Won't be able to see Chad this weekend for the first time in 16 weeks =( Wow that's a lotta weeks! That makes me happy. But I'm sure gonna miss him. Well I mean I already do, but it's just gonna get worse. It's gonna be a weekend FULL of hockey and basketball. I love this time of year!! =)

There's not really too much about love and life that I've been pondering lately. Most of my stress and focus has been aimed at school and finances. I need a job so bad, but I just need to get through the rest of this semester first and then I'm gonna hit working like CRAZY and save save save so I don't go through these stresses next semester. I think next semester I can actually say, I ONLY HAVE A YEAR LEFT. And that will make me so incredibly happy. I really don't have much to say, so I'm not making this as pretty as the others. However, when I was looking at my earlier posts, they made me happy because they were pretty. So yay me, way to make myself happy. Haha. Elvis theme on Idol tonight YAY. Yella teeth should totally sing In The Ghetto. That would make this day complete.

I'm pretty much totally in love with this song right now. It's Out Loud by Dispatch. I've really been diggin them lately. Good stuff I tell ya.

Would you be the wind to blow me home
Would you be a dream
On the wings of a poem
And if we were walking through a crowd
Well you know I'd be proud

If you call my name out loud
Do you suppose that I would come running
Do you suppose I'd come at all
I suppose I would

And if we were walking
Down a dead end street
Would you be the one to let our eyes meet
Or would you just keep on walking
Down to the turn around
'cause you know I'd be proud

And if I was gone from the land we know
Would be the dawn
And let your beauty still show
And if you were walking
And heard the cold night coming
Would you call my name
'cause you know I'd come running

have you ever noticed...

how one thing can change and something else stay forever the same (at least it feels like).
i have been contemplating so much today. driving around in this amazing weather has really got me thinking. good and bad. there is never good without bad. if there were no bad with the good, how would we know "good"? however my good and bad today are unrelated. i'll start off with the good because that's what i like most in life, the good. this WEATHER is amazing! i can be in the worst of moods and just going outside will make it all better. no, i don't base my mood on the weather, that's just crazy. but it can help cheer me up. even the dark rainy weather can cheer me up. not the snow, though. anyway... the good. change. "it hurts but it may be the only way" - maroon 5. of course change is not always good. wow. i just realized that my good and bad of today actually do go together. this weather makes me miss being a little kid in my backyard playing with my sister and our dogs. so i drove by our old house. it looks almost the exact same. no change. but me, 11 years later? wow i have changed SO much. however some things that i thought had changed are starting to creep back and i don't like it one bit. why does it have to be a daily struggle to be... i don't know how to explain it. it's not happy. but in the same sense it is. daily i struggle with this. not in just every day life. in my relationship with chad. i get sad sometimes and i start to tell myself things that aren't true. (at least i hope they're not) -- like THAT. that right there is doubting my relationship. i don't want to doubt it but nothing in life is for certain. what makes me sad about our relationship? really there's not much at all. most of the problem is me and my thinking. i mean i know nobody is perfect but he sure is close, i just wish some things were slightly different. i argue with myself, if i did or said or wore anything that he didn't like i WANT him to tell me because i WANT him to be happy. but when it comes to something i don't like that he says or does or wears i think, "who am i to tell him that?". i don't know. i try to make something so simple so confusing. to truly love someone you must accept their faults. you don't have to love their faults, but you cannot beat and batter them with them. so i remember this and then i'm alright for a day or two then i get reminded of what it is i don't like and i'm right back here. oh well. i'm sure if this relationship goes further that it will come up. on a not so serious subject, but at the same time it kinda is.... what happened to our day long conversations? i mean i understand that while he's at work we can't have them, but what about when he's not at work? was he more interested in me then? do we really not have that much to talk about? i mean, use to, he would just tell me what he was doing throughout the day and i absolutely loved that. not because i was keeping track of him or anything, but just because we would talk. now we hardly talk anymore. it makes me sad. makes me feel like he's just not that interested. which i'm sure isn't what is is... i hope at least (there goes the doubting again).... i dunno. just makes me sad.


make me happy weather!! =)

love.

There are some things in life that are worth waiting for.

Love. Patient, kind and always forgiving. What a wonderful thing.

We were created to love and to also receive love.

There is something inside of me that yearns to love and be loved. It is part of my being…

I don't want to be part of that complicated love where fighting and bitterness is looming over its every move. More, a love that can overcome any obstacle and strands two people together. A love that becomes one of your greatest passions; to understand each other in a way that doesn't even make sense. When you find joy in love and living to love…….

I went to a funeral the other day and I came out of it with one of the greatest understandings of love. The man that passed away shared a love for his wife that words could never describe. Goodness, I couldn't imagine living without my husband and having to see him go through the kind of emotional and physical pain that cancer causes. I think I am so enthralled with their love because it never died; they fought to keep it alive. They wanted to love each other deeply…..they loved to love each other.

Love is accepting your partners faults as your own. To find strength in each others weaknesses. To say, "I know that you're not perfect, but I love you through your imperfections and I receive them as my own." This is the greatest wisdom into a relationship that someone has given me.

I will love my husband for the rest of my life. I want to hold his hand in mine and know that it was made just for my hand, to fit perfectly in mine. I want to marry the man that my heart can not live without. When I cant be with him my heart will ache and when we are back together we will thank God.

May you love without fear and with the heart of God.

May your love be endless and may it overflow into the lives of others.


"They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up"

Lullaby by the Dixie Chicks

be happy with what you've been given? yeah right.

<~~ This person. Right here. I am SO jealous of her. And not a jealousy that could be considered good. Sometimes I wish I were her. I am certain she hasn't had the best life ever, but I envy her in a lot of ways. I know I shouldn't. I should take what I envy about her and apply it to my life. She is seriously the most beautiful girl I have ever met in my life (wish I looked like her). She has a style that I absolutely love (wish I dressed like her). She had the courage to get up and move to California not knowing anyone out there (wish I had her courage). She has small boobs and doesn't let it affect her at all! (wish I were as confident in myself as she is). She loves and is not scared to (wish I were as brave in love as she is).
Honestly, I don't know her too well, but she shows me so much in just the little that I know about her and talk to her. There are few people in this world that I look at and get sad because I don't look like them haha I know that sounds weird. So far there has only ever been two. This girl and Jessica Pike. The funny thing is I don't get jealous of celebrities and girls in magazines because I know that it's all fake fake fake, but every time I see pictures of these girls I get so sad and jealous. I get really down on myself. I mean it's not like they can help being so beautiful and perfect, ya know? I dunno. Guess I'm just having one of those days. I feel somewhat pretty since I went tanning today, but I WANT TO LOOK LIKE ABBY! Haha. Dang. Oh well. I need to learn to be happy with what I've got. Maybe learn how to wear eyeliner, too. Nah that will probably never happen. I do feel like dressing up tomorrow, so I hope tomorrow is a pretty day!!

My Horoscope Today.....a sign?

You've had just about all the fun you can stand with these feelings you've been keeping to yourself, and you're finally ready to talk about everything. If someone else will be affected, consider that before you start. If not, the decision is yours alone. But if this is a truly personal issue, something you'd prefer not become grist for the gossip mill, be sure not to confide in anyone who hasn't already proven their loyalty.

.... i think so!

Do You Know What It Takes?

I am so mixed up.
So confused.
I feel so full of love.
But at the same time I don't feel love.
In all reality this is probably all my fault.
Do I hold love to such a high regard that it is impossible to reach?
I never thought so.
But so far it has never been able to be reached.
Maybe my expectations are too high.
Where do I get my expectations from, though?



I've heard it said that love and romance movies/novels/etc are to us what porn is to guys.
I don't know if that's where I have gotten my expectations from.
I highly doubt it.
Love is simple, not complicated.

Why am I out to make it so complicated, then!?
It all just feels too different.
Not in a good way.
Maybe I'm looking for something to go wrong.
Maybe I'm trying to find a way to make it a big mess.
Why would I do that?
I'm terrified of losing it.
Maybe so scared that in the process I'm actually losing it.
I've heard that said before, that if you try to hard you will lose it.
But I don't feel like I'm trying to hard.
I could totally be wrong, though.
Things are just different.
And I don't like it.
I mean if it's not love then I shouldn't expect it.
Maybe I shouldn't expect it.
But if it's not love now then it wasn't before and I liked things before more than now.
Hmm.
It's like Reckless Kelly puts it:
"I've been looking
For a girl like you
And I wish
You were looking for me too
But you don't want me around.
We all long for
A love so true
And I would die for
One night with you
But you don't want me around."
Maybe I am completely blowing all of this out of proportion.

Quit thinking.
Just let it be.

How many times have I told myself this?

How many more times will I have to argue this with myself?
What does it mean to be loved to me?

TO BE LOVED:

* to be wanted..
(to want to be around me, to talk to me)
* to be cared for..
(to rub my neck if it hurts, to get me a drink if i'm thirsty)
* to be genuinely be listened to..
(like what i have to say is the most important thing)
* to ask me questions..
(simple ones like how my day is, or even what i'm thinking)
* to be willing to talk
(about the hard things to talk about just as well as the easy things)
* to be willing to do absolutely anything to make me happy
(watch a chick flick i wanna see real bad instead of a football game)
* to be honest.

Those are really general and I would never EVER take advantage of someone's love.
Like the whole chick flick/football thing.
I don't think I'd ever ask to watch a movie over a game he's interested in, but knowing that he'd be willing to do something like that for me means a whole lot.
Maybe that all is too much to ask for, maybe not.
I have yet to find it really.
Hopefully someday I will find that kind of love.
Maybe I have found it, but maybe it's undiscovered at the same time.
Who knows.
Not me.
All I know is how I feel.
And it SUCKS to not know.
Really really sucks.
Because then I don't know what to expect.
But I think I'll just stick with not expecting love until it is found.
Tears at my heart every day.
Just be patient.
I am the most impatient person ever.
We're tested daily with the things we need to work on the most.
BRING IT.

Cause I love the way you call me baby. And you take me the way I am.

Why does life have to be so simple, but at the same time SO confusing?!
It's quite frustrating!!
The simplest of things can be the most confusing things.
Seriously?
Will some people just NEVER grow up?

Is it just hopeless for some people?
I don't see the fun in being immature and the "party type".
And for some reason "men" are attracted to those types, STILL.
Come on, buddy!
You're like 40.
Grow up.
It's disgusting.

And to the 38 year old women portraying themselves as "easy".
It's disgusting.
Show a little respect for yourself.
You're old enough to know the difference between right and wrong.
But see, that's the thing these days.
Age is meaningless!
Completely meaningless!!
Take these 38 year old women for example.
They're acting like a typical 21 year old would.
Then there's me.
I act like a typical 38 year old would.
(well in some ways haha)
Age means nothing anymore.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I have decided something.
Life is too short to be confused all the time.
It's too short to be scared.
It's too short to hold back, to never let go.
I am not going to hold back.
I am going to let go.
I am not going to be scared.
I am going to love and not let anything keep me from doing it.
I am going to be open.
Going to be honest.
Going to give this life all I've got and then some.
It's going to be scary as hell at first, but I think I can do it.
Actually I know I can do it.
Risks are always worth taking.
You never know unless you find out.
Sometimes you have to find out the hard way.
By the hard way I mean by getting hurt.
Heartbroken.
But it's better to know then to go through life always wondering.
"What if?"
Nope.
Not gonna do that.
Not gonna wonder what if.
I'm going to wear my heart on my sleeve.
Watch out.
Here it comes.

=)

the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return

knowledge is only as powerful as you let it be. i may not know a whole lot about life and love but what i do know i choose to let be very powerful.
i am not married, obviously. but i am very excited to be. out of all the bad examples of marriages i have seen in my life - i am excited to do it right! i want to be the hope and inspiration for people. i want to show them what marriage and love is all about. but above ALL else, i cannot wait to show my husband what a good wife is like.
*i am by no means saying i'm perfect and i know everything about being a wife*
but what i am saying is i have a pretty good grasp about what to do and what not to do....not many people know those things when it comes to relationships..and especially marriage.
i cannot wait to love someone the way a wife should love a husband. and i hope that my future husband is as excited about being a husband as i am about being a wife. because if he loves me the way i am going to love him, there is nothing we can't do..there is nothing we can't get through.
the success to any marriage can pretty much be summed up into one word.
LOVE.
i did a research paper freshman year of college about what the main cause for divorce is. money is what i found out, but the conclusion i came up with was communication. communication is also a HUGE part of love. everything can fit into love. selflessness, respect, loyalty, communication, understanding, and everything else will come naturally because it all has to do with love.
if you truly love the person more than yourself, there will be nothing you can't do.
but of course it has to work both ways...which is why i said i hope and pray my future husband is as excited about proving to himself, me, and everyone else that he is capable of being the best husband there is.
i'm just full of excitement for the future.
the end.
=)

the places you have come to fear the most

for once in my life i can actually say that in my heart i fear nothing.
what has happened to me that has caused me to have such great strength and confidence?
my goodness i hope it never goes away. i feel so right. in everything. not right as in being cocky. just everything feels right. and i guess it's with that rightness the confidence comes and therefore i fear nothing.
i use to fear everything.
now all of that everything doesn't even seem possible. it's not even there to fear.
=)
however, it has been a while since i have done some soul searching. i wish i had time to do it tomorrow, but i probably don't. river wednesday? strong possibility. i don't know if i'm searching for anything. or if i'm just out to find what i already know, but to just be reassured of it. i just need time to think. and this time thinking won't get me in trouble! i'm completely happy. i could've never imagined this kind of blissfulness. maybe the feeling of tanning is helping, too.
whatever it is, KEEP IT COMING!!
i finally feel like i'm back to the old stacy. the stacy that i was so happy with before my mind got warped and i became the most selfish person i had ever known. i'm happy where i am and i only want to improve. everyone has room to improve and i am FAR from perfect, so there is plenty of that room there for me.
i love love. <3
=)

愛生活您活。 居住您愛的生活。

Love the life you live.
Live the life you love.

there is just so much to be thankful for.
why aren't people more thankful, more happy?
why are they never satisfied??
STOP being so greedy! be happy with what is given to you.
everyone goes through hard times, but there is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel.

To learn.
To grow.
To live.
To love.
To hurt.
To cry.
To smile.
To give.
To accept.
To endure.
To be.
To experience.
To understand.
To see.
To feel.
To touch.
To praise.
To mourn.
To adore.
To care.
To encourage.
To inspire.
To play.
To improve.
These things and more.
Is what we are created for.

oh i am in a much much better mood today thank the LORD! (<~~~ SEE!!) went to sleep early last night and i think that helped a lot.
today has been pretty perfect, other than it being so cold out. but it is a beautiful day! i can't wait till the days last longer and the temp rises. i hate it getting so dark so fast. i've been listening to the crap out of ryan adams. he is simply amazing. wish i would've started liking him when i heard about him so long ago! oh how i can't wait till this weekend. the more weekends that come means the closer school is to being over which means the closer i am to graduating which means the closer i am to a REAL life!! = )
i've always been so anxious to grow up. a year ago i could not see me EVER getting tired of the bar scene, probably cuz i was in love with the troubadours..which they still are one of my favorite bands, but now. i don't really feel like going and watching anyone play. i mean every now and then yeah sure, but i don't like the atmosphere of a bar really. i was too naive to recognize it before, well that and i just didn't care.
now i do care.
i don't want to be there.
so i'm not going to be. and i think that has to do with maturity and finding the things in life that make you happy that actually mean something. that has, as chad would say, "substance". i have felt this way before - before i "fell of the wagon" so to say. and i am so happy i'm back here again. i know what it's like to leave this feeling now and i don't ever wanna leave it again. all of that is no longer appealing to me... and to some extent that makes me sad because i will probably have to give up some pretty good friends...unless they come around, too.
why are people too scared to grow up?
how can living the life they do really be fun? i mean i've been there, it was fun, but i knew i didn't want to end up with the type of guys i was around. and why would a guy want to end up with that kind of girl? because she's fun? i don't know..
all that to say that i am very happy and very thankful for the way my life has been headed. i may have my sad or down days (who doesn't) but even then i will try to make the best out of it. life's too short so love the one you got cuz you might get run over or you might get shot.

i've been very sad today and i don't know why.
i don't like it one bit.
i have so many different feelings and emotions right now.
why is it that as humans we find it so hard to accept happiness?
we try to find something wrong in every situation and make a big deal out of it when in reality it is nothing to be upset about at all!
it's ridiculous!
it's frustrating.
another thing humans tend to do is let their happiness fall into the hands of someone else, which is also ridiculous.
why do we do this?
why do we give someone that much power over our lives?
is it because we're too scared to have that much responsibility over our own hearts and our own happiness that we trust someone else with it?
why is it so hard to accept responsibility for our own actions and our own happiness.
it's a choice.
guess i just feel like being in an unhappy mood today.
too bad.

Hopless & Broken Never Wins In The End.

You may have won this battle baby.

Don’t mean I won’t win the war.

I feel like I’ve won.

What have I won?

I’ve won the knowledge.

To know that nobody will ever truly love me.

I will never be good enough for anyone.

I’ve won the knowledge to realize that I don’t even know what I’m fighting for.

So why fight for it if it’s not even there?

There’s nothing there to fight for.

Nothing.

There never was, was there?

Or was there?

Where did it go wrong?

I think it was hopeless from the beginning.

Looking back on it.

But I learned so much.

Grew some.

Realized a lot.

You can’t ever trust someone fully.

No matter how much someone says they love you, they don’t.

When someone says they’ll do anything for you, they won’t.

It’s a figure of speech.

Why do people lie so often?

Why is honesty such a hard thing to come by?

Because you’re scared of hurting someone?

Let me tell you.

I’ve definitely learned lies hurt worse than the truth.

Don’t trust anyone with your heart.

It will only get broken.

Over and over and over again.

All guys are the same.

There’s no such thing as a good Christian guy,

They may act like it, but deep down, they’re all the same.

They will only hurt you.

They will only disappoint you.

They will only make you feel like you’re not the world to them.

I’m done fighting.

There’s nothing to fight for.

I wish I knew why I was trying so hard.

Only to continuously get hurt?

Sometimes I feel like a broken stone rolling down your hill.

There is no hope.

Not for true love with another human being.

I had that hope once.

It got shot full of holes many times.

No more hope.

If someone tells you that you mean everything to them.

They will do anything for you.

They love you more than life itself.

DON’T BELIEVE IT!

Sometimes it’s easier to give up your life for someone you say you love.

Rather than to give up other things.

Most of the time those other things mean more to them than you do.

I’ve learned that lesson all too well.

I will never be the princess in some man’s fairytale.

I will never be cherished and adored the way a woman is supposed to be.

My life will only be filled with hurt.

Disappointment.

Sadness.

Pain.

Anger.

Loneliness.

Hostility.

Unable to trust anyone.

Heartbroken.

What did I ever deserve to be treated like this?

How I wish I knew.

What did I do?

Guys just tell you what you want to hear.

They don’t mean it.

They never have.

They never will.

They are selfish.

Demanding.

Untrustworthy.

Completely one-sided.

Once I thought I knew it all.

Turns out I don’t know a damn thing.

I thought I knew everything about love.

Maybe I did.

Maybe I should’ve found someone that knew how to treat someone with love.

Maybe I should’ve treated him with love a little more.

I thought give continuous chances was showing how much I loved.

I thought trying to help him become a better person was showing my love.

Guess I thought wrong.

I found this today. It is so sad that at some point in my life I actually felt this way about life, love, and relationships. I was so messed up, so lost and didn't even know it. I am so thankful I now know that truth I had been unknowingly searching for.

I am good enough.

I can be loved.

I can trust.

I can love.

I am capable of loving again.

I can be happy.

I am extremely happy.

Life is completely different than it was then, thank the Lord.

= )